Counter-dependency: the Flight from Intimacy Review

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(More customer reviews)Much has been written about "co-dependency" in our society, but this was the first I had heard of "counter-dependency." I think many who have been trying to understand themselves through a "closed circle" type of co-dependency model will find this fairly new concept more recognizable and therefore be able to better help themsleves.
The Weinholds place a very strong importance on the early developmental process of young children. It will perhaps be difficult for people to accept that the very things that are necessary to survive --as a single parent, as a parent married to a military spouse, a parent married to a traveling business person, or parents in tension filled or conflict riddled relationships--can and DO create harmful patterns and cycles in children, ranging from a rebellious independence and a fear of being smothered to a fearfullness of abandonment.
But it is a necessary first step to recognize that modern life situations that interfere or interupt a child's developing sense of self are built in to our culture. Work long and hard, often to the detriment of one's self and/or family.
Once you begin reading, if you are honest, you realize how much of what we do and think and believe is tied to either co- dependent issues or counter-dependent issues. The beauty is that once the recognition is made, there are several, albeit intense and unique, strategies to take you back into the time of hurt to heal the inner child all within a committed relationship. Perhaps this is what was most powerful of all their ideas and explanations; it was not to leave the relationship and family you already have, but to heal from within that committed place, since most anxieties tended to be born from this kind of intimacy. You can't heal what you can't face, for example, like finally facing your fear of flying by actually flying and relief when you have the realization that you didn't die after all and are if fact OK.
Counter-dependency is pervasive and perhaps the next step in our reflection of who we are and how we got to where we are. It isn't labled as a diease, but rather a conditioning of the small child that later plays havoc in our adult lives as we continue subconsciously to try and get that which we "missed out on."
The Weinholds also go into great depth about the traumas of abuse and neglect on children and the familiy dramas that they live in. They offer intense strategies for individuals to work through to heal themselves of these pains within a safe relationship. They offer a positive message about how to have and maintain a good emotional and physical sex life.
It is not a pretty mirror to gaze into a first, but it will draw you in through a curiosity or a personal connection. You will recognize aspects of yourself, your partner, your family and friends. I thought about the lyrics to many songs I am familiar with and realized I could hear the voice of America's youth crying out for healing from painful parenting--subjects like not being able to live up to parental expectations, to parental abandonment, and promises to be better with their own kids than their parents had done to them, etc. Perhaps the Weinholds have truly hit upon something that could change they way we live forever.

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This book expands the Weinholds' developmental approach to shifting consciousness and provides the complementary component needed to understand codepencency. This leading edge book is the first to describe and define counterdependency as a primary force that is inhibiting human evolution. It shows how counterdependency permeates our social, religious and political structures so deeply that it is virtually invisible. The first half of the book focuses on the developmental causes of counterdependency and describes exactly what a child needs during between the ages of one and three years. When these needs are not met, people develop counterdependent behaviors that particularly cause difficulties in creating and sustaining intimate adult relationships. The last half of the book presents many case histories and experiential activities that show readers how to replace these behaviors with more effective ones. The book concludes with a chapter describing how Janae and Barry worked on their own counterdependent patterns. "Counter-dependency is the untalked about polarity of co-dependency. One reason many severely do-dependent people go without treatment is the failure to focus on counter-dependency. Many lonely, agoraphobic, rebellious, sexually-addicted people are counter-dependent. Most of us who define ourselves as co-dependent, exhibit some counter-dependent behaviors. We need this book to fill a gap in our understanding of co-dependency. The Weinholds are experts in this field. I recommend the Weinholds' work as having the highest integrity. This is a crucial addition to the literature on co-dependency." John Bradshaw, author of Homecoming and host of the nationally televised PBS series.

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